On Trusting Yourself

Safiya Gideon is guest posting today and I am amazed by her account of where she is in her journey towards living HONESTLY. I dare you to read this and tell me you don't see a part of yourself somewhere in here. I hope this feeds your soul the way it did mine. 

Last week my friend woke me up with a call. She had recently ended a 2 year relationship with a wonderful man whom she loved and who had loved her right, supported her dreams and pushed her to grow into more of who she wanted to be. A couple of months ago she had developed a hunch that their relationship should not continue but she couldn't explain why. She had tried to negotiate with her hunch: 'maybe we just need some time apart to become more of ourselves and then we can reunite and get married; maybe if I was a little more of this and he was a little more that, we could be together.' But her hunch became stronger, clearer, and heavier. She felt crippled by her inability to rationalize why or how she knew, but she knew, and so she broke her heart and his. She felt light. Now a few weeks later she and he were revisiting the question of their relationship. My friend was wrestling to make peace with her realization that the answer to that question, for now and the foreseeable future, was still no. She felt crazy- I mean she had been living the dream, right? And here it was giving her a second chance. She was calling me for affirmation that she wasn't making the biggest mistake of her life. Her sense that she didn't want to be in a relationship was her only clear truth. But she was also trying to reconcile this truth with her fears of regret, of failure, of insanity, and of loneliness.

Trusting yourself to make a decision that feels crazy is intensely difficult. I think it's worth acknowledging that this particular type of trusting yourself is unique. This is a 'deep soul' kind of trust, a 'thriving is surviving' kind of trust, a spiritual connection with self. This isn't like trusting yourself not to stick a piece of metal into an electrical socket. Or trusting that you're never going to like anything cherry flavored. Or even trusting that you would go down fighting in the Hunger Games arena. This kind of trust, this being 'brave enough to break your own heart,' is bold, epic, and hard wrought. Cheryl Strayed (I love her) defines trusting yourself as, "living out what you already know to be true." I understand this to mean that trusting yourself requires at minimum two things: an acknowledgement of what it is that you know is true (complex and hard to do) and the bravery to use that knowledge to direct how you live (also hard to do). Guts and gut knowledge don't develop overnight - they require years of trial and error, of practice identifying and prioritizing where your thoughts and feelings come from, of taking calculated risks, and of showing up for yourself.

Listening to my friend describe her heart struggle, I felt a deep appreciation for her ability to wade through the mud of her emotions to her deep truth. I also felt the dawning realization that my own threshold for making challenging, seemingly crazy decisions is super low. I don't think that I have done a good job with the required inner work. More than I care to admit, I don't follow through on personal goals and self-promises. I often procrastinate on honoring hunches and gut checks, and I frequently do things that I tell myself I won't. My lack of self-accountability is a deeply disappointing downward spiral. Over time I have recognized that my devastatingly routine sense of failure has muted and evolved into deeper, amorphous discomforts like a nagging anxiety, seemingly rootless paranoia, and the ever-present dust of self doubt. These are prime elements for cultivating a shaky sense of self. And I am beginning to understand how life threatening this can be. How much harder have I made it to identify what it is that I know to be true? How many chances haven't I taken? How much time have I wasted feeling insecure or afraid, playing it safe, and repressing what felt true and crazy?

Why was my girl asking me for affirmation? All I could do was hold up a mirror and tell her what I saw: that clearly her fears weren't strong enough to shake what she knew to be true; that the fears and the truth probably couldn't be reconciled, though perhaps they could temporarily co-exist; and that perhaps feeling crazy is a good thing.

 

And then I told her that she was brave.

 

By Safiya Gideon

 

Guest Post: Plugging In Now To Stop Police Violence

The last week has surely been a difficult one. Between Delrawn Small, Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, it is impossible to ignore that there is a genocide happening right before our eyes, and it is traumatizing. I, personally, found it difficult to get up and go about my day following this most recent spate of police violence, but it’s even worse for our black sisters and brothers. They are living in a state of real trauma every day. This week, I saw a co-worker break down and cry because she just can’t take it anymore. She was sad, but the emotion that overwhelmed her was anger, because history keeps repeating itself. Another co-worker commented that she is terribly afraid every time her nephews, brothers, and cousins leave the house, not knowing when they will come back. Yet another colleague noted that it isn’t just black men who are being killed; it’s black women too. “It could be you and me,” she said in conversation with one woman who feared for the black men in her life. The sadness they all feel, the fear, the agitation was palpable this week. And it wasn’t just this week for them. This is what they live every day. It was just heightened and brought into our space in the office this week because of the publicity of the most recent incidents.

Here on Depth and Candor, we all aim to live vibrant lives, but how can we do that when we have to fear for loved ones or when our loved ones live in fear? How can we achieve a vibrant life while mired in the injustices of a society that won’t allow us all the opportunity to pursue life, much less a vibrant life? Sitting with that question, it became clear that a critical part of a vibrant life is fighting for justice. In pursuit of our most vibrant life, there are three things we can do to fuel the fight against police violence now. I like to call it the immediate response ADE: activate, donate, educate. Here is how you can “ADE” the movement against police violence today:

  1. Activate.

I use the word “activate,” because it broadly covers a range of things we can do immediately to take on police violence. First, you can identify local activist groups rallying for changes to our criminal justice system (better those seeking to break the unjust system and build something new), and join them in their work. There are local Black Lives Matter chapters that you can follow as well as local groups that you can identify with a simple Google search. The Ferguson National Response Network is also a great resource for identifying actions near you. Here in New York, a group called NYC Shut It Down protests every Monday to uplift the names of individuals whose lives were lost to police violence. Their events can be found on NYC Shut It Down: The Grand Central Crew’s Facebook page. I encourage you to participate in protests. Actions raise awareness of the issue and applies pressure on the system to create change. Protest is a tried and true step in the fight for social justice.

Another way to activate is to contact local representatives and pressure them to address police violence. Write letters to your mayor’s office and attend city council and town hall meetings to let officials know that you demand changes to police training and procedures. Share with officials your ideas for how we can change things now. Organize within your communities to create change.

Finally, sign a petition. Change.org hosts a multitude of petitions addressing police violence. Search petitions and sign those that you can support.

  1. Donate.

Truly, one of the best ways you can support the fight against police violence is to support the activists who are doing this work every day. Your donations support the work of organizing and advocating for change. Here, I encourage you to simply find an organization you can support and make a donation. Some organizations take monthly sponsorships, while others have crowdfunding campaigns on gofundme.com and other crowdfunding platforms. Often, protesters are arrested and need legal support. Donating to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund and the ACLU can assist in their defense. Find a group you can support and simply give what you can. It will go a long way toward the fight for justice.

To begin, here is a crowdfunding campaign for Alton Sterling’s children: #AltonSterlingFamily Scholarship.

  1. Educate.

Finally, and probably most important, is to educate. By educating yourself and others about the atrocities of police violence, how racist our system is and how we can change it, you are breathing life into the movement. Get to know the issue on a deep level. Share your knowledge with your people. Then, start inviting people to join you in the work. The deeper your understanding, the more effective you will be in this work. Here is some material to get you started:

Quick Stats: Mapping Police Violence

A brief history: History of Racist Policing

A few facts about police violence: EF: 5 Infuriating Facts About Police Violence

The sobering truth: Why Police Violence Will Never End

This is just scratching the surface. I encourage you to do your own research and dig deeper.

Finally, please adhere to the following caveats in the charge to educate:

  1. Abstain from sharing videos of police violence. No one needs to see these traumatic images to believe the issue is real.

  2. Do not ask black family and friends to educate you or other people. It is not the burden of our black sisters and brothers to educate us. We can do the work. The information is out there.

  3. Listen. In educating ourselves, it’s really important to know when to cede the floor. When our black brothers and sisters are speaking, simply listen and learn.

At the end of this tragic week, it’s truly difficult to imagine living a vibrant life in the midst of all of this injustice. The good news is that we don’t have to accept the injustice; it doesn’t have to be a fact in our shared future. In pursuing our most vibrant lives, we all must commit to fighting for justice. The best work we do will surely be our contributions toward the world we want to live in. If we as a community all commit to “ADE” in the fight against police violence, we will certainly make our future a little more vibrant.  

by Lisa Ramdahar

The 3 Best Beauty Secrets My Momma Taught Me

 Last week, we talked about how crazy the world was and why I was raising $1,500 for my 28th birthday. Turns out the world is still cray so I thought I’d keep things a little light today.

I should start by telling you this, I am obsessed with all things beauty. As in, I might have watched every youtube beauty channel there is and I’ve definitely tried to recreate their looks when I’m at home alone. And I don’t really think I need to say it but I've NEVER looked as good as the youtubers (damn you  Shirley B Eniang). And thanks to my (ahem) open minded spirit, I used to assume it was the product’s fault and go on to buy new products. But something odd always happens after a few of these intensive makeup sessions, my face starts breaking out. 

Luckily for me, I've had a personal beauty guru who had taught me how to snap my skin back to its most succulent state every single time this happens. Although I've never found sound scientific evidence that proves why my mom's methods work, I can tell you that sticking to these three core principles has a) never failed me and b) made her skin look 20 years younger. I'd show you pictures but my mother would kill me for posting a picture of her on #ZeInternet *Ethiopian mom accent*. 

So here are the top 3 beauty principles I live by:

1. Moisturize like a muh****er

My aunts and my mom use unrefined coconut oil on their face and skin almost every night. On top of that, they wear moisturizing face masks (a blend of oatmeal, honey, and avocado) when they are relaxing at home. I am much less disciplined but I try to follow in their footsteps too. In fact, I’ve been using Shea Butter everyday on my body and all my scars/discoloration from “partying" accidents or childhood falls are magically disappearing. I have to say though, I don’t know how well this would work for someone with oily skin. 

2. Don't ever WIPE your face

This sounds crazy but it's real. Think about it, when are you most inclined to wipe your face? For me, it's usually after the shower or after a workout. And the motion (and force) of wiping closes open pores that are trying to release dirt from your skin. Instead, I pat my skin dry. My mom recommends using a clean towel, which i told her the laundry bill would make me go broke. Her response? "Yes, but your skin will look great!" -_- Thanks mom. 

3. Know what you are putting on your body

While my mom hates that I wear makeup almost everyday, she taught me to look up what was in the products I was using. Thanks to her, I wear makeup that is rated as being low toxicity for the most part...a girl has got to slay with some not-so-good-for-you products sometimes. I use Skindeep, a database that ranks personal care product on toxicity levels, to see how good or bad a product is before I buy it (at least I try to do that most of the time). Because most beauty products are pretty bad for your skin, I mostly only wear a mineral foundation everyday and my all time fav is Bare Minerals Original Foundation. Some people don't like Bare Minerals because it looks too cakey, but if you blend the loose powder with your moisturizer, you literally walk around with a glow. The Kiehls face lotion that I use is just out of habit at this point. My mom uses Olay and it is better for you, has a higher SPF and costs half the price. As I write that, I realize that I am an idiot and I need to start buying that. 

That is all I will bless you with today. Bless me with your (or your momma's) beauty secrets! #HelpABeautyAddict

PS: I am using affiliate links in this post. If you buy any of the products pictured above, I get paid a little bit for it. But I hope you know that I'd never recommend i product i don't trust so coins or no coins, I love me these products.